Ok, so I saw Winter’s Tale tonight. I’ll be honest and say that I wasn’t looking forward to it, and was essentially going because I knew my awesome wife wanted to see it. But now she’s gone to bed (sensible lady that she is) and I’m left to write a review. This is going to be a sarcastic review, because that’s just how I feel about the film. Oh an it will contain spoilers. You have been warned.
The film begins with Colin Farrell’s parents being turned away from New York by immigration doctors, who then decide to do a baby Moses with their own baby, using a model ship rather than a basket and leaving the child to float around the Hudson River. Nice parenting skills right there.
Luckily for Colin, and the film in general, the wee bub survives, and we jump forward a few years to the grown Colin Farrell who is being chased by Russell Crowe and his henchmen. He’s cornered and about to be skinned alive, when a magical horse appears, and saves Colin’s life by magically jumping over everyone. The horse is so magical, Colin talks to it throughout the film. It’s also a dog, not a horse. No, it’s a horse that’s a dog.
I’m so confused right now.
Colin Farrell talking to a horse. That’s one of my top 100 most wanted cinematic scenes, now ticked off my list. Yes, that’s sarcasm.
Colin then accidentally meets and falls in love with the delectable Jessica Brown Findlay, who is a few short months from leaving this mortal world, due to consumption. This chick is so hot she literally melts ice. She is the sole reason for global warming. But Colin teaches her a neat trick that saves her life, but then has sex with her and kills her.
Thanks Colin, killing the hot chick. Another cinematic moment ticked off my list.
And then things get really good, though I’m not running in chronological order, but this is a time traveling fantasy film so it won’t matter.
Russell Crowe is actually a demon, and has a scary face when he manifests, and likes killing hapless waiters who can’t bring him impossible mean choices, then draws prophetic pictures with said waiters blood. Oh and it gets better, Russell Crowe has to ask permission to do certain things from Lucifer himself. Non other than Will Smith.
Will Smith is the devil. Check.
And Will Smith’s devilish power? Turning a light bulb on and off. Oh yeah.
And then Crowe kills Colin.
BUT NOT REALLY!
Because Colin just time travelled 100 years into the future, where he finds hot chick’s sister, who must be at least 105 years old, looking rather healthy and running the newspaper that her daddy used to run.
It is a fantasy film after-all.
So Colin actually has a second chance to fulfill his destiny, and Russell Crowe, the demon now made mortal by light bulb master Will Smith, has his chance to stop Colin from fulfilling his destiny for one and for all.